L5R : Jade Winds


The situation is dire — Mirumoto Yonaka has been carried off by a giant ape; Hida Nakamuro fell foul of a paralysis rune; Shosuro Naoki has been captured by giant spiders, as has The Monk Formerly Known as Toro (still under the effects of ingesting a Shadowlands mushroom) and Ernestu. All have been securely webbed by the aforementioned giant spiders and stowed on flying carpets, and flown to an unknown destination. CAN THEY ESCAPE? And now, this week’s exciting episode of


SCENE: Nighttime in a valley somewhere in the northern wilds of Rokugan. The flying carpets set down in a square courtyard surrounded by brick and wood buildings. The babble of Gaijin voices is all around, but there are many Rokugani to be seen as well. Each party member is expertly strip-searched by two Yuriki, members of the Mitanaka clan, under the direction of a Magistrate. Afterwards, they are marched, or in the case of the Hida and the Shosuro, dragged (ka-DUNK ka-DUNK) to a stable, where the Hida, the Shosuro, and ashigaru Ernestu are placed in one converted stall, and the Mirumoto and TMFKAT are placed in the other. Other prisoners are glimpsed in other stalls.

A Gaijin comes to question them, with MITANAKA SHUGURU as his interpreter. The only one not drugged, paralyzed, or unconscious is ERNESTU, who falls to the floor in obeisance.


ERNESTU: I am a humble and lovable porter from North Wall City. These are my Lords.

M S: You are free to roam the compound, but you must not go outside on pain of death. You may bring food and water for your masters.

E: Hai.

The Hida and the Mirumoto gradually regain movement and speech; the Shosuro takes longer, but eventually recovers. Ernestu apologizes to the Hida for failing him. There is some wangst, as well as some speculation that the fort is located north of North Wall City.

The Shosuro, in her Mantis disguise, examines the lock — she will need something strong and sharp to pick it.

Towards morning, a Gaijin prisoner is dragged out of his cell, and does not come back.

The guard is changed at dawn, and the new shift brings bandages. A Rokugani prisoner is removed from his cell. After some time he is returned, and his cell is cleaned while he is gone.

Next is the Mirumoto, who is taken to a latrine and allowed to wash. He notices that the courtyard is about 40 yards on a side, and that there are Gaijin soldiers everywhere. TMFKAT is next. When the guards come for the Shosuro, she declines, indicating by gestures that the Hida should go first. She and Ernestu clean the cell while he is gone. Finally it is the Shosuro’s turn.

SHOSURO NAOKI: (thinking) I am SO going to seduce the guard that goes with me.


S N: …an Eta? Ewwwwwwww.

E K: My Lord is a Gaijin and worships griffons.

S N: That’s nice. Can you get me a comb for my hair? You understand, you’re a girl, even though you’re scum of the earth. I swear I won’t use it to pick the lock.

E K: (rolls eyes) I’ll see what I can do.

Later on, MITANAKA KYOSHI, a Magistrate, comes in with two junior samurai, a scribe, and what seems to be a Gaijin Magistrate. MITANAKA KYOSHI proceeds to question everyone while making poncy gestures with his fan.


HIDA NAKAMURO: I am Hida Nakamuro.

M K: Do the Crab have an issue with the Mitanaka?

H N: The Crab have an issue with all enemies of the Empire.

M K: Do tell.

SHOSURO NAOKI: My Lord, what he MEANT to say was…. (lots of handwaving here)

H N: (to SHOSURO NAOKI) WTF, over?

MITANAKA KYOSHI moves to the next cell.


MIRUMOTO YONAKA: I am Mirumoto Yonaka, and I have etiquette like you would not believe.

M K: Finally! Someone reasonable to talk to.

TMFKAT: I’m fucking crazy and I hate you all!

SAMURAI ONE: Shut up you.

TMFKAT: Come and make me!

S O: Grrrrrrrrr.

M K: AS I WAS SAYING, what are you doing here?

M Y: We were taking a pleasant stroll and got a bit lost.

M K: Seriously? You expect me to believe that? What about that huge floating island?

M Y: Huge floating island? Oh, THAT old thing… Did I mention we were made Yuriki by Kitsuke Kaage?

M K: Really? Prove it.

Papers captured along with the party are brought and examined. Sometime around now it is realized that the teapot of Lady Moon is probably still in the tower on the Huge Floating Island. Shit.

M K: Well, ok. I suppose I should be nicer to you. Have some new clothes.

M Y: We humbly thank you.

H N: (from the next cell) You’re all still traitors.

TMFKAT: Come on, come on, what are you waiting for? I’ll take you all on!

M K: (pretending not to hear) I’ll just be going now.

The Hida scratches some bad-ass graffiti into the cell wall.

Hiding behind fan
The gaijin’s fawning lapdog
Faithless Magistrate

The Shosuro counters with:

Patience is very hard
Hammer is given warm-up
Bone has charming tone

Even though the number of syllables in the first line is not correct, the Hida lets it go because she looks pretty hot in just her underwear.

Will our heroes escape? Will the Shosuro actually seduce an eta? Will TMFKAT get to strangle a guard with his bare hands? And what about the teapot? Tune in next time for


very funny, One Experience Point



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